Scotia iTRADE is awful, easily the worst online trading service I’ve ever used.

I’ve been trying to close my account with them for a week now. All of my cash — the uninsured part of the account — has disappeared.

I was on the phone with customer service today and they actually fucking laughed at me:

“My money is missing. All my stock was transferred into the account, but none of the cash. I’m trying to withdraw it all and I should have about twice as much as I do.”

Customer ‘Service’ [laughing]: “You can’t withdraw twice the amount of money in your account!”

These stupid dicks moronic shitheads sub-retard cunts are really getting on my nerves.

ScotiaBank is terrible, remember. My iTRADE account was just re-opened… With no cash or stock in it.

Customer Service says it’ll show up “in a couple of days”.

SKETCHY! iTRADE has no account insurance, remember.

The story so far: ScotiaBank purchased E*Trade and renamed it iTRADE, because they’re stupid fucking morons who don’t understand branding. They took a brand that everyone knows and converted it into one no-one, not even their own sub-normal employees, recognizes. Heads should roll over such blinding idiocy.

Today I found myself at the foot of the Scotia Tower in downtown Vancouver so I thought I’d withdraw some cash.

Me: “Hi! I’d like to withdraw some money from my iTRADE account.”

She was a trainee-teller. She didn’t know what iTRADE was so she asked her supervisor. I waited, and waited, and waited. Her supervisor sent me to the fifth floor to talk to ScotiaMcleod, the brokerage division.

Up to five.

Me: “Hi! I’d like to withdraw some money from my iTRADE account.”

Of course, ScotiaMcleod isn’t on the fifth floor. The fifth floor offices are the “high net worth individuals banking” offices, which include a division of ScotiaMcleod, but not one that would serve the likes of me. They sent me to floor 11, the ScotiaMcleod main offices.

“Fuck,” I told myself as I hit the up button, “I am being given the proverbial ‘run-around’, except IRL.”

Up to eleven.

Me: “Hi! I’d like to withdraw some money from my iTRADE account.”

iTRADE, the online brokerage, is not part of ScotiaMcleod, the brokerage division.

SecretaryMcleod: “When you talked to a teller where they on the ground floor or on the mall level?”

Me: “Ground floor.” (Notice that hers was a perfect “fuck you” question: No matter what I answer she says…)

SecretaryMcleod: “Yeah, the other guys are more well-informed. Try there. If you have trouble, tell them you have an account with ScotiaDirect.”

Back down to the mall level.

Signs: Do not enter! Construction everywhere. Fast food, grime. I find my way to a teller.

Me: “Hi! I’d like to withdraw some money from my iTRADE account.”

Teller: “Do you have two pieces of photo ID and a piece of mail showing your address?”

Me: “Yes!” (I was anticipating at least this much.)

Teller [taps away on computer, wait wait wait]: “Oh, you have to transfer the money to your CIBC account online, we don’t do withdrawals.”

Back home, call iTRADE customer support.

Me: “Hi! I’d like to withdraw some money from my iTRADE account.”

Support: “Our records show that you don’t have an account with us.”

Me: “Well, I get statements from you. That’s obviously not the case.”

Support: “Hold please.”

[I hold long enough that I reckon they're just waiting for me to hang up, I received no hold-time estimate.]

Support: “Hello? Yes. You’re going to have to send in another account application form, then we’ll activate your account.”

Me: “Look, all I want to do is withdraw my money.”

Support: “For security reasons I can’t help you until you complete the application form.”

Me: “I already did that, months ago. I’d like to talk to your manager.”

Support: “Alright, a manager will call you back within 48 hours. And really, it won’t help. Other people have tried, the manager will just tell you what I have.”

Me: “THANKS. BYE.” (I am unfailingly polite, if unable to manage my tone.)

In short: Fuck iTRADE right in its stupid fucking ass. I suggest that anyone who wants customer service, including access to THEIR OWN MOTHERFUCKING MONEY, avoid doing business with them at all costs.

The whole time I was talking to tellers I was bombarded with little red cards: “ScotiaBank, committed to excellent customer service.” Whoever wrote that copy should lose their fucking job. They’re obviously using some bizzaro-world dictionary to define the words “service”, “excellent”, “customer”, and “bank”.

ScotiaBank is a terrible company that isn’t going to get a dime of my business in future. I suggest you avoid it like the plague, lest they STEAL FROM YOU TOO.

If I ever hear anyone casually mention them in conversation, if I ever see one of their commercials while in the company of a friend, if I ever so much as walk by one of their storefronts I’m going to tell the story of this runaround-clusterfuck theft racket they have going on.

It makes me worry that ScotiaBank is insolvent! In fact:

IF YOU HAVE MONEY IN A SCOTIABANK ACCOUNT YOU SHOULD WITHDRAW IT — THEY SEEM TO BE RUNNING OUT.

I’m going to see if I can put in a CDIC claim and beat the rush…

[Update: Holy shit! iTRADE isn't CDIC insured!, and isn't CIPF insured! Who are these guys!?]

There’s a saying in business: A happy customer will tell a friend. An unhappy customer will tell all of their friends.