ยป Set a Trap to Catch a Friend
I have a handful of Facebook friends that I met in real life, hit it off with and then friended in the hopes that we could grow that relationship. As Stewart observes, this doesn’t work.
There’s always the chance that we’ll discover some obscure interest or connection in our profile info to build a friendship on (shared interests is the standard foundation of man-on-man friendship). But I think the more likely model is that I’ll have an event that fulfills these three criteria:
- I invite a lot of people, including acquaintances
- Is comfortable for attendees that don’t really know anybody
- Is compelling enough that people attend despite the opportunity cost
Other people don’t seem to be involved in events that fulfill #1 (I don’t get invited to many events unless they need bums-in-seats). Since I’m actively working on this, I suspect #3 is where I’m failing. I’ve tried dinners at restaurants, park barbecues, daytime open houses and evening house parties – these tend to get low response rates from good friends and acquaintances alike, even when there’s free food.
Can you, dear readers, brainstorm event ideas that might fit those criteria? Or are we living in a narcissistic wasteland where nobody risks attending events that might not be fun?
Narcissistic wasteland.
Jack
30 Mar 09 at 11:36 am
Victoria is all psychic turbulence. I’m sure there are people who avoid parties they worry will be too fun — 100% sure.
There’s also the “gifted child effect” Karen mentioned — that grade school identification of “the gifted” fucks them up socially forever — and who in Victoria, city of the rich, wasn’t a “gifted” child?
But I repeat myself: Narcissistic wasteland.
Jack
30 Mar 09 at 12:46 pm
On the bright side, if we’re all narcissists you could build a community based off that.
Dinner party art shows where no criticism is allowed? 72 hour film festivals? Etc.?
Jack
30 Mar 09 at 12:52 pm
Worry will be too fun, what?!
Jared
30 Mar 09 at 2:37 pm
Crazy, I know.
Jack
30 Mar 09 at 4:35 pm
1.Maybe you need to invite more people than you have been? There must be some formula. Invite ten only one shows up, Invite 100, only 40 show up or something.
2. An activity would be most comfortable for people who don’t really know each other. ex. Golfing at Hendersons
3. This is the hard one. People are lazy, self centered and lazy. You have to intice them with something that requires little effort on their part. Just to go somewhere to simply socialize is a bit much for them. People also tend to shy away from new places or experiences.
4. People don;t understand that facebook is an excellent tool for events. I have done many things that I would have never known about thanks to facebook. Christie’s birthday party worked well because it was centered on 4 different people who invited as many people as possible and they had invited hundreds of people. So the people who showed up were the people who were ready to socialize.
karen
30 Mar 09 at 4:46 pm
Karen wins a prize! (Good idea with #4′s example)
Ryley
30 Mar 09 at 6:28 pm
@karen.1 Actually, I am surprised that people don’t get annoyed at being invited to events incessantly. I have, effectively, a mailing-list group that I send an event to twice a week, and although 90% of the members never come, none of them have left the group.
@karen.2 Golf is a lot of talking, but yeah, “activities” were what I had in mind.
@karen.3 As I said, criteria #3 is the hard part.
@karen.4 So the trick is just to create huge events? I’ll get on that.
Jared
30 Mar 09 at 9:05 pm
@Jared People just ignore their events. I have seen people with numerous events and messages they let pile up on their pages and not respond too. It boggles me.
karen
30 Mar 09 at 9:09 pm
Maybe the problem is ‘simple socialization’ — in north america simple socialization is not socialized. How many dinners you go to last more than an hour? I spent literally an entire afternoon and evening at a table with one family in france as dishes were brought out, wine served, games played, etc. We don’t like to ‘just talk’ — especially with relative strangers.
Thus as Karen says FB events need to be themed (at least here in the barbarian west!). Also a little individual connection making helps — and it has to be genuine; “I really want you to meet X because I’m excited to see what you have to say to one another.”
Random FB events that are not targeted do not entice the recipient to attend; targeted, personalized ones may be more succesful. Compare an application letter that starts with ‘dear sirs’ to ‘dear jared’. Which would you hire?
You see — looking at the time signatures on these comments, this blog has been more successful at promoting social dialogue than a FB event discussion. Why? It is small, individualized (who can resist responding to a name drop?), and we are all in the same circle of folks who have met in person.
Stewart
30 Mar 09 at 9:32 pm
I’d love to host French-style dinner parties, but I’m sceptical that I could get anyone outside my core group of friends to come. Never Eat Alone claims they work in North America, but maybe we’re too young or something?
Targeted Facebook events is a good idea: I’m going to think about that.
Jared
30 Mar 09 at 9:41 pm
Dude — in May we are having a french-style dinner party at your house, exciting!! Courses, wine, water, pretentious talk, it’ll be great!!
At one of these events I went to in France I was seated next to the head of the local bordeaux club — only in france do you have an organized wine drinkers club…!
Stewart
30 Mar 09 at 9:52 pm
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