We’ve all been baking in the sun for the last few weeks and now that it’s clouded over people seem a little SAD. Jared’s post on introvert pride got me thinking. In the first comment I linked to George Sodini‘s blog in a moment of black humor (it might be gone for good now — I should have mirrored it when I had the chance, it was obviously going to get nuked by the powers that be).
One of the things Sodini bitched about was being unable to create meaningful change in his own life. Now, if you’ve been to see a shrink that might be a familiar tune. The consesus among pscyh. practitioners seems to be that large personality changes are basically impossible and attempting them is what creates unhappiness.
I’m not totally sold on that because it seems like a linguistic explosive that they’re handing to people prone to use it dangerously — sick people in the shrink’s office have self-selected based on their belief that they can improve their lot. Telling them that change is impossible can lead the ill mind to think jumping off a roof is the only medical alternative. Besides, I’ve clearly learned some behaviors (eg, when to value bet the river, how to debug C++ code, when to run screaming from women) and cognitive behavioral therapy shows good clinical results.
But, anyway, yes: You’re paying someone to tell you that trying to be happy is what’s making you unhappy. Continuing…
Sodini carried a list in his pocket of reasons life wasn’t worth living. He dug deep into his past and far into his future and thought of everything he’d ever tried and failed, or procastinated away, everything he hated or just plain couldn’t do, and all the things he’d never have. He perfected a “woe unto humanity” viewpoint that ended in a shooting spree and endless articles assuring us that he was “just crazy” without looking at root causes.
The root cause, it seems to me, was Sodini’s preoccupation with “shoulds” and time, which is perfectly and disturbingly relatable. Discussing this with Ryley this morning we had an enlightening exchange:
Ryley: Basically all that “happiness in the now” thing… Apparently my parents successfully drilled that into me, and I hear that was one of the real goals of the hippy movement.
me: That’s good shit man. Whenever I have a case of the bad crazys that’s the only thing that helps: Realizing that all the shit in my head actually doesn’t exist. Time is an illusion, etc. Like, it’s irrational to worry about the past because it doesn’t exist anymore. Likewise the future.
Ryley: Huh. I don’t even begin to intellectualize it like that. My mind hates thinking about the past and future, so I don’t.
me: Hahahahah! Well said! I might quote that for truth.
So anyway, I spent lunch thinking of timeless things that make life fucking rule, a kind of anti-shitlist. Yours will differ, but here goes. The trick is to keep it to things that exist in the Now:
- Food (this one was easy, especially over lunch — the simple pleasures of the flesh).
- Poker (infinite depths, a kind of Zen Warrior aspect: Greetings, fellow being. Now prepare to die! Whoops, you got me!).
- Jerry Garcia (esp. playing his riffs in Rock Band — fiddly little rhythmic melodies, like curlecues in an autistic mandala).
- Bob Marley (because Redemption — all theology, really — is a nice sentiment).
- Hip Hop (because poetry is otherwise dead — thanks, free-verse — and my brain likes rhymes).
- Wes Anderson films (actually, any auteur — this is really the catchall “good art” line).
Yeah, all the SWPL stuff. I get it.
Anyway, Ryley just rode it on home with a minimal Ray Person quote from Generation Kill:
As the great warrior-poet Ice Cube once said, ‘If the day does not require an AK, it is good.’
QFTEOF
Do you ever go to write a comment and then realize it should be a full post and then realize that it’s actually a series of posts and then get overwhelmed?
I’ve been reading too much about this stuff lately and not stopping to write enough. Rather than catch up with my writing what will inevitably happen is that I will wait until I forget most of what’s in my head right now so that whatever’s left will be manageable. Or I’ll wait slightly too long and I’ll have nothing left to say.
This is one of the big questions, so please: Fire away. Make notes to self.
I didn’t write about my positivity list because I’m a positive person. The idea came to me because this morning was fucking black, not just for me but somehow for a bunch of the people in our little cohort of the Pacific Standard Tribe.
[Edited to add: Yeah, I'm getting a lot of private feedback on this -- please, fire away.]
You should have cut this into two posts at “Continuing…”. If you want good, timely responses you need to make your posts short enough that I can load the whole thing into my head and examine it.
One of the morbid things about the happy list which I just realized is that it’s very difficult to put living people on it, because they’re neither timeless nor consistent.
“Dead grandma” yes, “current SO” no.
That was another fun psych. result I read recently: You’re happier focusing on all the terrible things that haven’t happened to you than you are focusing on all the good things that might happen to you.
“Don’t have cancer” yes, “might get promotion” no.
Added to happy list:
Do you think that Shrinks believe in ‘the secret’? Which is why you can’t make your self happy when your thinking and focusing on being unhappy. This is basically what you are saying. That rather than focus on what is bad in your life, focus on what your life would be like if your happy and make the changes that you need to to live that life. The problem that we, or at least I have, is that I don’t know what would make me happy.
@Fred: Not quite. What I’m saying is that psych. pros. (eg, the shrink I went to in Van) seem to be in a groove where the message they’re trying to get across is “stop trying to be the person you’re not.” It drives me nuts because it sounds like they’re just saying, “surrender, give up, it’s hopeless” — which is bad advice (however, that’s not actually the message, just what I’m hearing).
It’s kinda like that old joke: “It hurts when I do this. / Okay, stop doing that.” Or maybe: “‘Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.’ Man bursts into tears. Says, ‘But Doctor… I am Pagliacci.’” Funny jokes. Everybody laughs.
Like, if you find yourself getting all bent out of shape think about how what you’re obsessing over is irrational and then stop worrying about it. It has nothing to do with being positive (because creating positive change is apparently considered impossible), but just avoiding the negative.
eg (bad examples intentional):
Problem: “Fuck, it’s not fair that I have to work so much overtime.”
Solution: “Whoa there, buddy! Nobody ever said life was fair. Expecting it to be is clearly causing you distress, you should stop.”
Problem: “Fuck, I hate my job.”
Solution: “Whoa there, buddy! Nobody ever said you’d like your job. Expecting to is clearly causing you distress, you should stop.”
Problem: “Fuck, I have no girlfriend.”
Solution: “Whoa there, buddy! Nobody ever said you were entitled to companionship.* Expecting some is clearly causing you distress, you should stop.”
Here’s a real example, one I’m working on now. Sick as it sounds I’m told its actually healthy:
Problem: “Fuck, I wish my family would stop undercutting my self-esteem.”
Solution: “Whoa there, buddy! Your family is never going to change. Expecting them to is clearly causing you distress, you should stop.”
* Dan’s last letter this week is about how Sodini would have been cured by legalized prostitution, which is where I got the idea of reading his blog. Also: Disney has destroyed us all.
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