It’s commonly believed that organisms are perfectly evolved to their niches (“sharks are perfectly-designed underwater killing machines…”). This pops up all the time in pseudoscience, diet plans, natural-living manifestos and even academic discourse. But evolution is a game of averages: if a modification, on average, works better than a previous version, it’ll be kept, even if it causes pain or occasional death.

For example: A common hypothesis is that female pelvises are a compromise to a tricky problem: narrow hips, like males have, can run fast, but wider hips allow females to birth big-headed babies without dying. Female hips are good at neither, but adequate at both. Women are slow runners and childbirth kills a portion of the mothers and the children. But on average humans survive both lions and childbirth. The fallacy says that childbirth the way our ancestors did should be painless and low-risk. Evolution says it doesn’t care about your pain and death as long as enough women survive to keep the population going.

Evolution is a bitch. Other examples: hernias, sickle-cell anemia, and the blind spot in your vision.

Evolution can only modify existing organisms; it never goes back to the drawing board and every modification is just enough to make it work on average.

Feet are another classic example: Humans went from quadrapedal to bipedal very quickly. Our spines cranked into an s-curve so our hip joints could turn 90 degrees. Our ankle moved down (the “ankle” on your dog or cat is halfway up their leg, and looks more like a knee) and the foot bones hastily moved around to support weight and increase stability. Our feet are now a kluge, which works but is prone to problems. Evolution doesn’t care if your feet hurt at the end of the day if you can still escape from tigers and find a mate; it certainly didn’t bother “perfecting” either sharks or your feet. Hence, wear shoes.

When Republican Congressman Pete Hoekstra read about the struggle of Iranians desperate to let the outside world know what was going on, it resonated with him in particular. He was involved in a desperate fight the previous year when Republicans posted things on blogs after the House was adjourned before an important vote. He tweeted this:

Iranian twitter activity similar to what we did in House last year when Republicans were shut down in the House.

In honour of his remarkable ability to compare important, world-changing events with his mundane daily activities in the most clueless way possible, a meme was born:

Editors’ note: Kyla actually wrote this with the rest of her criticism back when it was, ahem, more relevant, but we split it into two posts and forgot about posting the second half until now.

Election Night

The most puzzling of all Michelle Obama’s clothes is her election night dress, which looks so off because it’s a Narciso Rodriquez runway dress that was modified to remove the sheerness in the skirt and straps and make it more soccer-mom friendly with broader straps, a modest neckline (Ms Obama almost never shows even a hint of cleavage, except in formal wear), and a longer A-line bottom. The neckline no longer echoes the ‘V’ of the bodice or contains any edge whatsoever.

It looks like it was chosen to try and make her look 20 lbs skinnier with the black bars on the sides (also broadened so they cover more), and the V’s of red created by the ribbon bodice thing attempt to force an hourglass. It’s an obvious attempt to create a body that’s not hers, and the forced modesty completely destroys the style of the dress, including the fussy out-of-place cardigan she put over it.

Inauguration Day

The colour was nice: an unusual, peppy yellow-green. That, coupled with the green gloves, are really the only things I liked about that outfit. The National Post linked to this pic of Pat Nixon:

And yeah. That really says it all. The dress was very conservative and “typical First Lady” for a woman who has never dressed First Lady but, as I said in my last post, prefers One Of The People. It looked like an awkward costume, made all the more awkward by the attempts to make it different, which fell flat. While I liked that she played with silhouette with the long coat and shorter skirt, the long, loosely-closed and flapping coat looked more like a housecoat. It was bad enough when I thought she put yet another cardigan under it, but then I heard those were panels sewn onto the front of the dress. Eww. And she should have gone with dark green or brown shoes, not medium green. And could have done without the white sheer pantyhose. Not to mention, she looked cold.

Inauguration Ball

Michelle, stop raiding the Whitehouse closets; it’s unbecoming:

Actually, Nancy did it better: it’s white and one-shouldered, but aside from the subtle patterning, it’s simple and clean. Michelle’s was all over the place. It had pleats, gathers, fabric petals, beads, a train, and asymmetry. Two, Michelle, choose two of those things then let the rest go. She’s tall and not overly thin, so she has presence automatically. That much going on is just a wall of stuff. Someone suggested that it was just a bad gown for TV, since you couldn’t really see the details and it just looked like cotton balls. I agree, I bet it looked better in person. That doesn’t make it suck any less when it’s on TV.

I believe it was Jared who first described Michelle Obama as the First Soccer Mom. Instead of favouring the high-end conservative clothing of previous first ladies, Ms. Obama appears to favour clothing most often seen on the “stylish” soccer mom at the church social. Maybe she really is a soccer mom to the core, or maybe she wants to appear to be “one of the people” in direct opposition to Cindy McCain’s socialite style, but either way it is working, because her campaign outfits become iconic in Middle America.

Ms Obama has a narrow fashion profile, wearing the same things over and over: below-the-knee A-line skirts, scoop-neck or crew-neck sleeveless shirts, dark cardigans, and either low-heeled pointy pumps or flats.

When she wears dresses, they usually conform to the same silhouette.

With the addition of the occasional fairly plain shift dress

She is apparently pants-challenged, as evidenced by too-short-to-be-pants-too-long-to-be-clam-diggers or the sweatpants she started wearing to rallies shortly before the election. (See, she’s just like you!)

She also has a thing for accessories. She wears a charm necklace with a dogtag reading “Hope” and a very sparkly tiny peace sign. She wears pearls often (oh how First Ladyish!), but opts out of the classic look and instead wears a variety of strand lengths and seems to favour jumbo pearls.

She is famous for wearing a lot of broaches, often multiple at a time.

She is attempting to create a signature style: soccer mom if they had money and cultural capital. Her looks are easy for other middle-aged women to replicate: fake pearls, flower-print skirts, and odd broaches are slightly odd but women can easily afford to go out and buy half a dozen to look like her. But there’s nothing classic or elegant about her clothes, they’re all mall-style. She may be a style icon for the housewife set, but it’s not a timeless look, nor an interesting one: she’s no Jackie O.

(Round 2)

March 15 was chosen to observe L Ron Hubbard’s birthday.

London

• Won with 700 protesters.
• Rule 34
• Police in Guy Fawkes masks
• A 15m Longcat banner
• Stylish monochomatic Anonymous
• Chant of “WE HAVE CAKE, THEY HAVE LIES”

LA

• A random Scientologist comes out with a gun so an Anonymous scrawls a sign saying “this guy has a gun” and apparently followed him around for the rest of the protest.
• Other LAers are fail
• Some are win
• Someone got a plane to fly around with a banner!

Las Vegas

The early protest was 3 Anonymous against a bunch of police cars, including an ambulance, because apparently they were expecting an Anonymous-led killing spree. Although more Anonymous showed up later to total 45.

Biloxi, MS

Had the police dog squad called on them by the Scientologists.

Toronto

Had ~30 police, including mounted cops. Apparently Toronto cops really have nothing to do.

Boston

Boston cops hate everyone equally, as they ticketed people for honking at “Honk if you’re against Scientology” signs, and told a Scientologist that he was a freak and they’d get him for harassment if he didn’t stop taking photos of Anonymous.

Dusseldorf, Germany

The police here hate Scientology. They ordered Anonymous to make cars honk, even though that’s a misdemeanor in Germany.

San Francisco

• Incomprehensible signs
• And short skirts

San Diego

They can tell the difference between Xenu and a dwarf.

San Jose

• Has peanut butter and jelly sandwiches of freedom
• And these guys

Kansas City

Some random passerby bought them $125 worth of pizza

Edmonton

Is completely useless

Philadelphia

Is even worse

Chicago

Might have won, because after the police forced them to disband, about a hundred people walked around the nearby streets in single file, singing Rickrolls and apparently played hopscotch. I’m sad I can’t find a video of 100 people playing hopscotch. Another, smaller group had sausages thrown at them.

Got some actual airtime on CTV.

The protests were held on Feb 10 as it is the birthday of Lisa McPherson, a Scientologist who had a mental breakdown, was taken to a Scientology Center to be put on an Introspection Rundown for those who have had psychotic breaks, and wasn’t seen again until they brought her dead to the hospital, underweight, dehydrated, and covered in cockroach bites. Hence the “Happy Birthday Lisa” sentiments here and at the end of this.

The protests were being done by “Anonymous”, who is made of…cupcakes?

Paris

Some Parisian protesters seem to be confused: they put on masks and
wander around playing pirate songs, no actual mention of Scientology. Others dress up as a clown in front of the Church and call out Xenu.

London

Wins for its real live Rickroll. Unable to withstand this horrendous onslaught, the Scientologists run screaming from the building after the camera stops rolling

Melbourne

A Scientologist in Melbourne gets up on top of the building to take photos of people (I don’t know why, it’s just something they do. I think it’s to be intimidating) In response, the protesters chant for him to “jump”.

Montreal

Small, but brings the lolz. And an “over 9 thousaaaand” reference.

Boulder

Gets the crazies. Actual quote: “I knew Xenu back when he was Jesus Christ and Hitler”

Chicago

Has a bylaw prohibiting protesting churches during services. The Scientologists tell the police they are holding services all day long.

Nashville

Waaaay classier than the rest of the world. They show up in suits and veils with neatly printed signs (compare Montreal).

Atlanta

Atlanta might win for getting the riot police out (2, 3).

New York

Masks, you’re doing it wrong (2, 3).

Detroit

I have no fucking clue what’s going on here, I think the cold got to them.

Seattle

Cannot find the Scientologists But they make up for it with a Rickroll.

Rochester

Finding the Scientologists is a bit harder in Rochester, as they replaced all their signage with “Success School of Driving”